If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
