just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
