I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
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