Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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