College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
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girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
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The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho