I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.