I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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