My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
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Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
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You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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