I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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