I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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