I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
