The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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