Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM