I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
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Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
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I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.