Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God