need another drink. this is the easiest way
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
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He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
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And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?