im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?