Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
