dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Randomize
