matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
