i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
