Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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