i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
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We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
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You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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