accomplished twins. life is a go
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
