my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
