Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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