I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
