the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
