Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
