Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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