I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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