dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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