Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?