rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
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you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
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It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.