Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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