The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"