I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question