idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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