party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
