Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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