listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
