God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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