well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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