Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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