I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
