that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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