I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
