Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
