You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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