i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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