Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
