Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
