Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
