all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
