Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
how drunk are you?
Several
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