we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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