first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
