A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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