After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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