I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
